Funnies From The Farm
Q: What did one penny say to the other penny?
A: Lets get together and make some cents!!
A man tells the psychiatrist, "Somedays I feel like a tee-pee, some days I feel like a wig-wam. Tee-pee, wig-wam, tee-pee, wig-wam, doc, you gotta help me!"
The shrink says, "You need to relax, you're just two tents."
Q: How do you know when it's raining cats and dogs?
A: You step in a poodle.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!
Q: What do you call the chicken who walked across the road?
A: Poultry in Motion
News Flash!!! News Flash!!
Seems they just found signs of life on the moon. Just hours ago they found some bones.
Yea, it seems the cow never really made it over.
Did you know they are outlawing the big round bales of hay?
The cows aren't getting a square meal.
Hens that are no longer laying eggs are in "henopause"!
The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Q:Why do cows have bells?
A:Because their horns don't work.
Q: What did the three legged dog say when he walked into the bar?
A: I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw.
One day a duck walks into a bar, hops on the counter, and asks the bar tender "You got any grapes?"
"Grapes?" the bar tender answers. "No i dont have any grapes."
So the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks to the bar, jumps on the counter, eyes the bartender, and says "Got any grapes?"
The bartender answers "I don't have any grapes!"
So the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck, still determined, goes to the bar, jumps on the counter, looks the bartender right in the eye and says "You got any grapes?"
"NO!!!" the bartender says. "I dont have any grapes! Now if you come in here again and ask me that question one more time, I'm going to nail your foot to the counter!"
So the duck turns around and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar, hops on the counter, and says to the bartender "Got any nails?"
The bartender, confused, answers "No.."
"Good," the ducks says. "Got any grapes?"
Q: What do you call a cow with short legs?
A: Dragon Milk
Duck walks into a drugstore and says, "Gimme some chapstick and put it on my bill."
Q: A horse and a duck went to dinner one night together. Who paid?
A: The duck because he has the bill!
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?
A: Rotisserie chicken.
Q: Which side of a cow has the most hair?
A: The outside!
Q: What did the girl tractor say to the boy tractor?
A: "Come here, John Deere!"
A patient goes in to see a doctor. When it's his turn he tells the doc, "I think I'm a moth."
The doctor responds, "Well come down from the light so i can look at you!"
Q: A rider goes to town on Friday. He stays for three night and comes home on Friday. How is that possible?
A: His horse is named Friday!
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky!
Q: What do you get when you cross a blue and red healer?
A: A pair of purple heals.
Q: How does a farmer sing bow-chica- bow-wow?
Q: A horse and a duck went to dinner one night together. Who payed?
A: The duck because he has the bill!
Q: How does a blonde spell farm?
Q: What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?
A: "When I fall in love it will be for heifer!"
One man could not tell his horses a part so he cut the mane off but it came back so he cut the tail off but it came back so he got a ruler and measured the horses...the black horse was 5" taller than the white horse.
A woman adopted a German Shepherd puppy and then bought a house and moved. She found out her new neighbor's son raised beautiful rabbits, and she worried that her puppy might get into the neighbor's yard and hurt or kill a rabbit. So she spent months and months training the puppy not to leave her yard, and on several occasions she even bragged to the neighbor at how well the puppy was doing with the training.
However, months later the woman happens to see her dog trotting happily back into the yard with a dead rabbit in his mouth! The woman was horrified, but she was so embarrassed that she could not bring herself to tell her neighbor what the dog had done. She decided to wash and dry the rabbit and then sneak back into her neighbor's yard and put the rabbit back in a cage.
A week or so later, the woman ran into her neighbor at the store and the neighbor said, "Ya know a strange thing happened. One of my son's rabbits died of old age and he buried it in the back yard. Only to find it back in a cage a few days later!"
Q: What do you call a herd of cows standing up?
A: A Standherd
Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
A: Give mom a shovel.
A large grizzly ambles into a saloon, goes over to the bar, rears up onto his hind legs and leans forward onto the bar.
"I would like a ... ... a cold drink."
"Sure," says the bartender, "but why the big pause?"
A cat died and went to Heaven. God greeted the cat and said, "You've been a great asset to the world. You've lead a great life. What can I do to make your after life better? The cat thought about his life for a moment and then said, "Well, my owners were wonderful people but they lived a very simple life and so I had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. I'd like to be more comfortable." From the sky a pillow dropped. God said, "Here is a pillow for you to rest on when you are tired."
A few weeks later a group of mice died and went to Heaven. God greeted them and said, "You've all lead really good lives. How can I make your afterlife better?" The mice thought about and said, "Well, we've been chased all of our lives. We've been chased by cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We'd like some roller blades." Out of the sky dropped roller blades. The mice all looked really grateful.
Another few weeks later God was walking around Heaven. He came across the cat resting on the pillow. He said, "So how is Heaven treating you. You seem comfortable." The cat smiled up at God and said, "Yes, you've been very nice and I really appreciated the gift of the meals on wheels."
Q: What is small,purple, and is dangerous?
A: A grape with a six shooter
A traveling salesman was driving down a country road when a rabbit ran in front of his car and he hit it. The proverbial farmer was sitting on the fence watching.
The salesman gets out of his car and opens the trunk. He then removes an aerosol can and sprays the contents on the dead rabbit. The next thing you know the rabbit gets up and hops about 20 ft. down the road, turns and waves to the salesman, goes another 20 ft. and waves to the salesman. The salesman looks at the farmer and says "he'll be okay now." The salesman gets into his car and leaves.
The farmer wondering what's going on walks over to the ditch where the salesman threw the can, picks it up and read the label which said FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE.
A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter."
Q: Who tells chicken jokes?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the dirt, and cross the road again?
A: He wanted to be a dirty double crosser!
Q. Why did the Chicken cross the road?
A. Just to show the Raccoons that it could be done!
Q: Whats silent and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny Farts
The Dog Food Diet . . .
I have a Labrador retriever, and was at the check-out line buying a large bag of dog food at Murdoch's.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog (Duh!).
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.
Q: Two flies are in the kitchen-which one's the cowboy?
A:The one on the range!
Q: Why do chicken coupes only have 2 doors?
A: Because if they had 4 they'd be chicken sedans!
The bakers wife put a batch of muffins in the oven. One muffin turns to another and says "Its really hot in here", the other muffin turns around and says "WHOA a talking Muffin!"
WORDS OF WISDOM
An Old Farmer's Advice . . . .
- * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
- * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
- * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
- * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
- * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
- * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
- * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
- * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
- * You cannot unsay a cruel word.
- * Every path has a few puddles.
- * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
- * The best sermons are lived, not preached.
- * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
- * Don't judge folks by their relatives.
- * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
- * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
- * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
- * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
- * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
- * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
- * Always drink upstream from the herd.
- * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment
- * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
- * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
- * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Q: How do you catch a common rabbit?
A: Common! The tame way. Unique up on him.
These two flies were going to Murdoch's. One of them got hit by a windshield. What did the fly that didn't get hit say to the fly that did?
I bet you wont have enough guts to do that again.
Q:What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean Beef.
The rancher bought a new bull and put him in the corral to get use to the place. The other bulls in the pasture got one look at this monster and got real quiet.
The youngest bull there however, started snorting and pawing the ground, throwing dirt right and left.
"What are you doing?" the other bulls asked. "He's three times your size!"
"He may be," replied the young bull, "but when he comes into this pasture I want him to know I'm a bull!"
Q: What kind of shoes do cows wear?
A: MOOn boots
Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?
A: A cloud!
Q:What do you call a cow that lies down?
Q: What do you call a bull that sleeps?
A: A "bull-dozer!"
Q: What did one flea say to the other?
A: Shall we walk or take the dog?
WORDS OF WISDOM
A chocolate lab had a litter of pups. She thought to herself:
"Sure. They promise the world, but what do you get??? A BOX OF CHOCOLATES!!!!
Q: What did the plow say to the tractor?
A: Pull me closer John Deere!
Q: What do little ponies get when they're sick?
A: A little horse (hoarse)!
Q: What did Leonardo de Vinci's cow paint?
A: The Moona Lisa!
Q: What kind of car does a cow drive?
A: A Cattelac!
Q: What do you get from old cows?
A: Wrinkle cream.
Q: How do you make a slow horse fast?
A: Stop feeding him.
There were a couple bulls and a couple cows grazing in a field one day. The wind started blowing. The cows went rolling and were blown down to the other end of the field, but the bulls didn't move. The cows didn't think too much of it, got up, shook off, and walked back to where they'd been grazing before.
A half hour later the wind started blowing again and the cows rolled down to the other end of the field. This time the cows were a little bit annoyed that the bulls were still just standing there, but they got up and shook off and walked back and went to grazing again.
The wind blew a third time and the cows went rolling. This time the cows stood up and yelled, "How come every time the wind blows, we go rolling and you bulls just stay right there!?"
The bulls said, "Well...Wee-bulls wobble but we don't fall down!"
Q: What room does a horse stay in at a hotel?
A: In the bridle suite.
Q: You know what it's called when a cow quits giving milk?
A: An udder failure.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing," She asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any," she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
A first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused, then, asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy cow! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.
There were these two cows chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
WORDS OF WISDOM
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting an animal at 80 mph.
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Um, excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I'm trying to win one of them Nobel Prizes.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”
Advertisments that have actually appeared in papers across the country:
- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
WORDS OF WISDOM
The trouble is, by the time you have money to burn, the fire has gone out.
Q: Where did the expression "to get one's goat" originate?
A: Owners of high strung race horses would place a goat with them to help calm them down. Unscrupulous
people would steal the horse's goat ‘friend’ in order to upset the horse so it would not race well.
Two cows were standing in a pasture. A young bull came by struttin’ his stuff and said, “Good morning ladies.” One of the cows said, “Mooooo!” The second cow thought to herself, “Dang! I was going to say that.”.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses - the horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
A man took his dog to the Vet. He said, “Doc, I think my dog is dead.” The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him. The Vet said “Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and $35 dollars.” The man said “$500 and $35 dollars! What for?” The Vet said, “$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan.”
WORDS OF WISDOM
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. (Bob Hope)
While enjoying breakfast in a Montana cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the ‘good old days.’ Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One old fella turned to the man on his right and asked, “Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?” “Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied. “Say, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. So maybe for our 50th, I'll go back down there and get her.”
WORDS OF WISDOM
Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are—you aren't. (Margaret Thatcher)
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a place.
The day came for the trip, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.
After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable.
She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him -- he sauntered in.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
Q: Why did the rancher take a wiener dog to the ranch the next day?
A: Because his co-workers said "Get along 'lil doggie!"
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.
Q: What do you call a chicken coop with 4 doors?
A: A Chicken Sedan.
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
WORDS OF WISDOM
Happiness is like perfume: you can't give it away without getting a little on yourself. (Unknown)
There is a blonde and a brunette. They share their ranch and have lots of female cows. One day, they decide to get a male for breeding to their female cows. So the brunette went down to texas with her life savings of $200 to buy a male cow. She searched up and down and all around and finally found a man that would sell her a cow for $199. Very excited, she bought the cow right away. She then went to the telegram office to send the blonde a telegram to tell her to bring the trailer so they could take the cow back home. She says "Sir, I need a telegram" "What will it say mam?" "I found a male cow. Bring the trailer." "Ok mam, that will be $7. One dollar a word" The brunette only had one dollar left so she said "Oh, sorry. I need to change the telegram." "Ok what does it need to say" "Comfortable." "Umm mam, it's none of my businessm but I don't think she will understand that, you know that right?" "Well, you see, my friend is a blonde and she reads REALLY slow. When she gets the telegram, she will read it like this: COM-FOR-DA-BULL!"
Q. What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?
A. Nacho cheese!
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